Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
a search helicopter?!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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