If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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