We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
