I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
