the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i barfeds in our rink
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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