Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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