If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
