I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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