Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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