Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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