What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
