Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
