look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
