Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize