i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize