he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, beer. Big fan.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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