A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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