The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
