One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
