the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
