every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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