I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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