I can tuck mytits in my pants
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
