he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
