There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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