Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
