for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
