I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
