So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
