If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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