Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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