Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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