whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the day after is always just damage control
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
