I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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