Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
