I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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