one word: firstdatebathroomanal
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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