I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
