It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
