So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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