The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
