can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
