she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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