I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
