My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
