the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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