I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
