my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
