My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
