My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize