please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
