My sheets look like a crime scene.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
