Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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