what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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