It's Friday. Sex?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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