Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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