There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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