I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
