Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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