I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
