he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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