i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
