I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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