I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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