shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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